So I don’t write for 6 months and then two weeks in a row? Who the hell do I think I am? Well I thought I’d try to get myself together and keep it together and then have a new seizure to add to the story. Now if you’re reading this and spot some writing or spelling mistakes I’m not going to apologise because my brain is broken, have I told you?
Sooooooo, having got my neurologist to change my anti seizure medication I knew it would be difficult but I had forgotten how horrible seizures are and how long it takes to recover from them. But changing the medication from Keppra (the stuff I’ve been on for about 2 and a half years) to lamactil (the original anti seizure brand) will be worth it (I hope) But the process to get me off Keppra is going to be tough, who would have believed that anti seizure medication can cause seizures. I wrote about this a long time ago.
I feel like shit and I think it’s getting worse, I think I’ve got a blood infection from the injections I fought not to have in my semi conscious state between seizures, my left arm is definitely not the right size or shape and day by day I am feeling urgh and more worse, I feel like I’m literally fighting to keep myself together ATM.
After I signed off from my previous paragraph I did call the Dr (well I called NHS direct first, after half an hour of being asked my name, address, postcode, date of birth, Dr’s name, address birth sign and on and on and on I was told to call my GP!) I did go to the GP who said she thinks it might be a blood infection. Now I’m no medical professional but I’m pretty sure that a blood infection could potentially turn into septicaemia and I’m pretty sure you can die from that. So I’m on antibiotics, I have accepted that I need them and within 12 hours of taking them I don’t feel like I’m dying, phew for not dying yet!
I had every intention of getting loads of work done last week so I was buggered by that and ended up spending a couple of nights in the hospital again. Now as you’re reading this you might not have spent that many evenings in your hospital and they vary from area and country and I know this because I’m making a habit of staying and visiting in quite a few, I even have my list of best and worst! But as evenings go on in wards it can be very difficult to rest and sleep which is ironinc for a place where you are supposed to be resting and sleeping, drugs do the job but I suppose not always appropriate, I think we could/should asses this? Maybe not. But as the afternoons turn into evenings and one patient is crying because she thinks she is being ignored, she is crying for help, crying in pain, crying for company and in the end despite my having sat holding her hand for an hour to try and calm her she cries through the night that she’s poorly. Now I like to think I have a certain degree of patience but when it gets to almost midnight and she’s been seen to more than any other patient on the ward and really should have someone with her and she’s crying that ‘she’s poorly’ I have to leave the ward to get a cup of tea or air before I scream “we’re all fucking poorly or else we wouldn’t be here!”
After these large seizures and the realisation of what’s happened I then have the couple of days of ‘coming down’ from the drugs they put into me to stop me from fitting. I have no idea of what these drugs are but I do know that it ‘s a horrible feeling to come down from them. With this I suffer from a few days of being utterly miserable, I don’t want to call it a depression and I’m sure many people would but I refuse to believe that I can’t get over my own misery after a few days or weeks. This has become a realisation that I probably won’t be able to go back to the work that I loved, my love of working overseas is likely to become a thing of the past and that’s breaking my heart. I love the world of travel, the friends you make, the places you visit and the experiences you are lucky to be a part of. How could I provide a good service for others when I’m struggling to look after myself? I’ve worked since I was 13 years old, I provided for a younger brother at a very young age, I became a mother and a wife at a very young age, I became a grandmother at a young age and I have had amazing work and life experiences and with that have great friends all over the world. Having to step back and allow myself to ‘stop and step back’ is very very difficult. I LOVE life, I love being busy, I love working and I love being ‘part of the crowd’, at this moment I feel like I am having to take steps back and slow down, I’m not ready for that, I’m not old enough for that and I don’t want that. So what do I do? I need to get myself together and get moving on the work that I have been lucky to get started on. So once I’ve pulled myself together I will be sitting down at my laptop and work work work on my website. It’s a great little business that just needs a push and more recordings.
And on that note I am going to have a break, a cuppa and maybe even a snooze. Thankyou for reading and I wish all my readers a fabulous day and thankyou for reading 🙂
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