What happened to my bravery?

I don’t think I’m any different from the next person, I think we all suffer in similar ways at different times and it’s hard, really bloody hard. Hard to hide our emotions from the rest of the world, hard to show how we’re worried about ourselves to our loved ones so they don’t worry about us and even harder to hide the stuff that’s going through our minds from ourselves. Well I say that, maybe it’s just me but I find it really damn hard.

I try not to worry and get into a pickle about it but it takes so much energy, it’s literally exhausting.

What do I do about it? Hide under the covers from the rest of the world and pretend it’s not there? I wish I did but the dog needs taking out or she’ll use the living room as her toilet and that is definitely not good.

I’m sure I didn’t used to worry about random stuff as much as I do now.

I’m also sure I didn’t cry for no reason as much as I do now. I could make the excuse to myself that it’s because I’ve gone through so much but is that just an excuse? I just don’t know anymore, I feel as though I’ve lost a part of myself and that part that’s lost is the part I miss. How do I find her? I teach others to be brave and to be strong and to find their own calmness. It’s easy to give that to others but it’s tough to make yourself to do the same. It really is the old adage of practise what you preach. Feels like a load of old bollocks doesn’t it?

I know I need tyo use my own meditation and give myself a kick up the bum

And that I will do but really it’s like starting the diet next week or stopping smoking on Monday. Now here’s where I get my honesty and strength. I did get my weight off, all 3 stone of it by sticking to a really good, healthy diet. I did stop a really heavy smoking habit (60 a day). I had reasons to lose the pounds and quit the fags and they were both to do with family. I need to find my reason to calm my mind, that might have to be family again, I’m pretty sure I drive them crazy with my constant worrying. I need to pull myself together and practise some mindfulness and meditation.

On that note, as usual, I’m going to make myself a cuppa and find my own calm

Have a fabulous day readers 🙂