So I thought things were going so well I’d take another trip to hospital? But of course there’s no point just popping in for no reason so having the biggest gran mal/tonic chlonic seizure series and scaring the crap out of everyone around you is the way to do it. So that’s what I did! The worst yet and hopefully the last. I was sedated to stop the seizures that I have absolutely no memory of, my memory may not be effected but my daughters are scarred for life and that shames me mortally, particularly as the neurologist has told them that it may well have happened because I reduced my medications about 8 weeks ago and it takes that long for any effects to take place so I might have done this to myself. So that’s it, no more messing with my tablets, I am now going to do exactly as I’m told by the consultants. How can I have allowed myself to be so selfish?
The business launch has been effected too which is really upsetting but absolutely not the worst of it all. The worst of it all is knowing what I’ve put others through, the others that have worked so hard to save my life and save my brain, the ones who love me and worry about me and although I never feel as though I don’t accept their love and help, there’s a side of me now that feels like I have thrown so much back in their faces by thinking that I could mess around with my medications, thinking that I could know better than the consultants – well, I well and truly accept now that I don’t know better than anyone, I know that those around me, love and worry about me all the time, they put parts of their loves on hold to save mine and me.
I feel like crap really, tired and broken, not physically broken but definitely mentally, I absolutely know that the next few days will be quiet ones, quiet while I let my broken brain rest and recuperate, rejuvenate and rebalance. I am crying every time I think about what’s happened this time, it’s horrible to think about what I have put my beautiful daughters through. OK so they are not children but they are my girls and to know the fright they go through each time this happens is crap!!! and I hate it but don’t have the energy to be angry right now, which is probably just as well.
Spending the day snoozing and watching catch up TV is not unpleasant, sleeping in my own bed tonight is going to be lovely. Tomorrow I want to get back to work, slowly and gently but I need to.
There are a lot of things that a broken brain has and one is a rubbish memory, and my rubbish memory is currently protecting my bank account because I can’t remember my bank card number!!! Generally I don’t carry a lot of cash with me so it’s usually OK and thank goodness for scanning your bank card but that doesn’t work for getting cash to pay for a taxi – oops
I’ve really considered whether or not I should share this post, because it’s miserable, there’s very little positive in me right now, just fear, tired and shame and I don’t like sharing these days. Usually these days I just keep to myself on the rare occasions that I do have them but I feel this time I need to share the mistake I’ve made and let it be known that I won’t be making it again, I will listen to and respect the experts looking after me.
On that note I will stop my moaning and make a cuppa. I will be back in the next few days with a stronger, happier and more positive post. In the meantime, the website is now up and running (I think) and I will regularly be adding new recordings.
www.naturallycalmtherapy.co.uk
Ciao for now and thankyou to those of you reading this and sharing it, thankyou to those of you in my life, always there
Xx
Recent Comments