I have moments of just wanting to cry for the horrible times and horrible memories but cry for the wonderful times, the wonderful people, the wonderful memories that a lot of the time I fight to keep.
I cry for the fear the people around me suffer as a result of what’s happening and I cry for the worry they carry around with them.
I cry for the future to come, will I ever be my self again? My daughter reminded me today that only a few years ago I travelled to India alone and holidayed alone to visit a friend. She reminded me of this because I was worried about walking alone in the dark. I’m not sure I’ll ever be myself again?
My brain is broken and I can almost feel it not mending again back to the way it was. My daughter also asked me if I want to meet a man, I don’t know the answer to that because who really would want to be with someone with my broken brain? Someone who some days can’t remember her own name? Someone who one day won’t wake up from one of those seizures or if she does her brain will never mend enough to be a real person. That’s what I have nightmares about and that terrifies me. That person would have to be calm, kind and accepting.
I want to be myself again, I want to be silly and laugh, I want to not have fear but be fearless again. I want to make the people around me happy and not scared. I want to be me again and that’s going to take more fight than I think I’ve got. I need to find that fight.
I also know that I have wonderful people in my life and even though I may not see a lot of them from one year to the next we have amazing memories of the laughter we have had, work laughter, family times, daft times and each day that I feel stronger I feel more determined to get those parts of me back again. It feels a strange thing to say but I genuinely like myself. I am aware of my moodiness, my ridiculousness and I still like me, if I wasn’t me I would be my friend, because despite all my bad points, I am kind, loving, generous and funny, well I think I’m funny, I make myself laugh regularly.
Now it’s time to get my arse back into gear and get back to work, to build my business, to help other people help themselves with the power of positive thoughts and self belief. My message this week to anyone reading my mutterings is be as kind to yourself as you would be to other people. Like yourself as much as you like others, give yourself the respect that you give others and that you expect them to give you. All in all be kind, it’s almost Christmas so give yourself the gift of self calm
Thankyou for reading this
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