It’s been a weird week full of ups and downs, I’ve had brilliant days of getting my new business off the ground and having amazing comments and feedback and actually thinking that I am going to be able to make a real business that I will be able to make a living out of and know that I can help other people help themselves without the use of harmful medications and by just making the choice that it is possible to make your life styles and choices better, not just for yourself but for the other people in your life. This has always been my goal and still is. I’ve always (well nearly always, I’m not a bloody saint) tried to do the best for other people. I do stuff for charity, I try to do kind things and help others even if I don’t particularly like them, I laugh and smile even when I’m crying inside (again not always, even I’m allowed to have a few bad days), but it sometimes it feels that is not always enough. When you find out that some people tell lies about you, other people gossip about you and other people go out of their way to make you feel like you’re not and never will be good enough, I’ve never been good at being lied to, gossiped about or criticised, it hurts.
Now I am not any sort of medical person but as I look back to childhood and recall the times I was bullied, I was bullied and picked on a LOT, I was the super skinny kid in school, I was the kid whose parents was divorced and in the 70’s that was unusual. So that constant childhood criticism seems to have followed me in to adulthood. A bullied child will grow into a defensive adult, an adult that will not take criticism and an adult that will fiercely defend themselves and lose friends, family and colleagues in the process. So as a footnote to this paragraph, if you know of a bullied child, defend them so that they can see it is not them, spiteful bullying comes from that bully who has their own issues to deal with.
I’m not usually one to dwell on my own misery but I am recognising that I’m obviously in a really weird place in my brain atm, and I’m guessing this is still an effect from the last seizure because I can’t get it out of my mind that these things are going on around me and I feel like I’m being dragged down by a really really heavy weight and whatever I do I can’t get rid of that weight and I need to. I know that I am taking to heart things going on that wouldn’t usually effect me. So I am going back to my mindfulness sessions, I know this works because it’s what I tell everyone else , I haven’t used it for a long while which is why right not, at this moment I am struggling to get over the things that are happening around me but hiding it most of the time with a cheery mask to most of the world. Right now all I want to do is sleep and lock myself away and stay quiet, I don’t really want to see anyone, I don’t want to speak to anyone and I don’t want to do anything. But, right now I have to prepare to be interviewed as the woman who survived her brain tumour and started up her own business, when really right now I feel like the woman who is just about surviving and living in a pipe dream, it’s not a great feeling and I need to snap out of it, a saying I would never use to anyone else who is feeling what I am feeling and I would never expect anyone else to use towards me except myself.
I’ve forced myself to write this today, because I don’t really want anyone to know how I’m feeling but by forcing myself to say this (in words) I am also forcing myself to take back control of this feeling and these depressing thoughts. I am forcing myself to make this stop and cheer up. I am forcing myself to wash and get dressed rather than stay in my cosy pyjamas watching rubbish on TV. I am not forcing myself to actually speak the words of my misery to those around me though because they don’t want to hear it, my misery drags others down, I know this because I’ve been told it, I know this because I know when the others around me who care about me hear how miserable I am they worry about the next seizure they are going to have to endure and the thought of their worry make me even more miserable, the thought that I am causing them worry and concern.
So now I am going to put the kettle on to prepare to put on another smile for a stranger and tell her my ambitions with a smile that I don’t really have. I think I might brush my teeth for it too, I might but I might not 🙂
Next week will be better, I won’t promise but I’ll do my best
I have just reopened my justgiving page so that anyone who would like to donate or share with others the whole brain tumour thing https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/victoria-bradley5
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